My Dear Maggott,
We have been fighting the glorious battle for many a long year. We must press on. Ignorance has been our greatest tool, literacy our ultimate enemy. Our noble struggle for mastery is worthy of our finest efforts.
I have good news. At last we are turning the tables on the work of the detestable Gutenberg. We shall fight fire with fire, a brilliant concept, a winning strategy. Instead of opposing their access to knowledge, we shall give them that which they crave in superabundance. We shall drown them in a bottomless sea of trivia, a meaningless quagmire of their own making. They shall choke on their own disgusting vomit. What a brilliant and unexpected outcome this will provide. They themselves will supply the means of our triumph. Oh, I can only imagine our joy as I consider our impending success with our new tool.
We have been tireless in our efforts to stop children from learning to think for themselves and now we have an aid to increase our success. In fact, it may be the ultimate solution. I am beside myself with pleasure. His stupid pets have constructed the vehicle to carry them to their destruction. What a serendipitous tool we have been given. We shall make every use of it and hasten their demise.
In addition to the tried and true methods of insuring their offspring remain vacuous into adulthood, we have personal phones, computers, video games and all kinds of modern digital devices to attract children’s attention, fill their little heads to bursting with nothing of significance and at the same time prevent the little insects from learning even one of his hideous ideas. The crowning glory of this plan is the prevention of the most horrible malady of all, reading.
I can think of no greater ambition than to occupy the hatchlings’ minds with the pursuit of sports, pleasure and frivolity while they listen incessantly to blaring music, view hours and hours of mindless television and intersperse their every day with the consumption of mounds and mounds of meaningless minutiae.
We now have the means at our disposal to turn the detestable creatures attention away from books. The little beasts are disgusting, aren’t they? I would love to crunch them all under my heel.
Joy upon joy. They are finally of their own accord getting rid of their bookshelves and books. They have even begun calling the library the media center. Can you believe our good fortune? I am overjoyed. I can’t express the satisfaction I receive from your news. What a brilliant idea. Unknowingly, they are doing our work for us. They will drown themselves in a sea of nothingness. I didn’t think I would live to see the day.
In my younger days we had to fight tooth and nail to prevent the filthy little beggars from visiting the libraries. We did everything we could to keep them out of school and now, of their own volition, they’re getting rid of their bookshelves. I can’t express my unbounded optimism for our complete success.
As you know, reading used to be the privilege of the ruling classes. That wasn’t so bad. By using the power of class snobbery, among other wonderful moral attributes, we delayed the advent of widespread literacy for a very long time.
Then he came, curse the day. His coming changed everything. From that moment our work load has been increased infinitely. We will overcome but his horrible interference has greatly increased the difficulty of our task and delayed our victory. Sometimes I feel a kinship with Sisyphus but I have every confidence in the success of our new strategy.
Because of him there are those who believe all our potential subjects should learn to read and think for themselves so they can read and think upon his macabre propaganda. How insipid. We’ve changed a lot of people’s minds about him but have a long way to go to get everyone. Literacy is still a problem. A few are still reading and teaching their detestable spawn to read his book. What a terrible waste.
We can’t stop their curiosity but we can dilute it to the point of meaninglessness. Put a phone in everyone’s hand. Let them believe all knowledge is theirs at the touch of a button or with a simple voice command. Let them believe they never have to observe and think for themselves.
Let me remind you of the central method we have of influencing children. Get them involved as early as possible in the pursuit of pleasure. Make them the slave of instant gratification. Teach them sports, games or immerse them in the electronic twanging they call music. Occupy their mind. Do anything you can to prevent a quiet environment which results in thinking. Stuff their minds full of nonessential trifles during every waking moment. Never give their useless little minds a minute of peace or they might begin observing and thinking for themselves. If they begin using their own minds it can cause a backlash and untold future problems.
Music, chatter, gossip and mindless viewing require no thinking and can dominate them. Rule of thumb: Keep the TV on day and night. Let them gaze and glaze. If they’re not watching the television or playing video games make certain they’re listening to music, do anything to prevent self-cognition. Above all, never give them a moments rest.
Gaze and glaze is our mantra. Be assured it is successful. At all costs, stop them from reading.
As you know, influencing their offspring is made much easier by the pursuit of pleasure, especially mind altering chemicals. Alcohol has been the time honored favorite of mine and continues to be one of our tools at the forefront of battle.
Remember, their destruction is our goal. Our overriding task is to stop them from thinking. Teaching the joy of consuming alcoholic drinks at an early age is unsurpassed in accomplishing our desired result. My work in this area has brought untold success. I expect you to emulate. Of course, you can make available a plethora of mind occupying drugs to the nasty little creatures. They deserve it. We have now a variety of chemical substances we can use with his pets which will prevent them from reading, observing and thinking.
You are doing an excellent job. I applaud your success. Books are increasingly being ignored and even destroyed. The truth is, we don’t have to burn books to ruin his pets, all we have to do is get them to stop reading. We’re doing an excellent job. No need to burn books and be crudely obvious. I don’t have to tell you that when they stop reading there will be no chance of them taking that final terrible step and begin writing. The two go hand in glove.
Stop them from reading and you’ll prevent them from writing.
The above reminds me to warn you to give special effort to bring to an end the activities of that stupid, antiquated old man in your charge who keeps writing books. We have prevented most everyone from reading them but he insists on sending books by the armload to his grandchildren and other relatives. He is a growing nuisance. His infection may spread. He should be silenced. No one is paying him any attention but he is tireless and who knows what horrible eventuality might occur from his misguided attempts to thwart our noble efforts. Stop him at all costs. His premature death would be a boon to our cause. I wish we had that power. Do everything possible to obfuscate his nefarious efforts in the lives of his progeny. He, and all those like him, must be defeated. Be tireless in your efforts.
In closing let me remind you once again, do your best to defeat the antiquated old fool. Quash both him and his love of books. He is quite an anachronism.
Your uncle below,
ps. My Dear Grandchildren, read, read, read. Your imagination activates when you read. Reading will provide you with a plethora of images created inside of your own head. Reading is cinema for the mind.
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